Unconscious Blending in Dissociative Identity Disorder: A Personal Insight

As an individual with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), my experience with blending remains a subject of curiosity and introspection. The question frequently arises: Can someone with DID be blended without being aware of it? How does one interpret feelings of disorientation and discomfort when the subtle signs of blending emerge?

The Question of Unconscious Blending

Today, I find myself questioning whether blending has occurred and, if so, to whom. The child parts I believe integrated or blended are now quieter, reinforcing my uncertainty. The process is shrouded in the mystery of time and memory. My last known instance of blending was five years ago during an EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) session, though the exact timeframe is still debated. Dissociation between the parts is still active in my system, making it challenging to access a clearer understanding of past events.

Before the EMDR session, I prepared myself through meditation, clearing my mind of any preconceived conceptions. I approached my gatekeeper, who had been guarding a subsystem and regulating the flow of new information for months. I sought to gain access, driven by the desperate need to uncover what had happened to me and to learn from the parts that held hidden secrets.

The Enigmatic Blending Process

Despite my gatekeeper's initial resistance, something magical happened during the session. Three child parts mingled, causing a wave of dizziness and a surge of energy. My mind expanded beyond its usual boundaries, and I found myself experiencing the thoughts and feelings of each of the three parts simultaneously. The energy tripled, and my body moved uncontrollably.

Then, in a moment of stillness and peace, the merging occurred. The three children united under the name OSDD1b:

Mary, age five, the caretaker of Cindy Cindy, age three, the tortured child part Deanna, age four, who Cindy dissociated into during extremely difficult situations

The transformation brought a profound sense of unity, albeit a temporary one, as the discomfort and disorientation persisted.

Symptoms and Feelings of Blending

Blending can manifest in various ways. You might experience feelings of disorientation, as if you are in one room and questioning your presence there. Some individuals may feel slightly headachy or have thoughts that feel as though they are wrapped in cotton. Confusion or the unexpected arrival of thoughts and feelings can also be signs of blending. You may suddenly laugh or feel compelled to lie down and sleep in the middle of the day, experiencing bodily sensations that don't correlate with your current state.

Feelings of depersonalization can occur, making it difficult to identify whether you are truly 'yourself' or questioning your identity. You might also experience a slight disembodiment, a heightened awareness of your body's movements as if observed from another perspective.

These sensations can be indicative of the presence of other parts or alters in your system, exerting a subtle influence on your consciousness. It is important to recognize that these symptoms can pass as simply feeling 'off' or out of sorts, and not everyone may fully understand the underlying nature of these experiences.

Can Blending Occur Without Awareness?

Given the subtlety of these symptoms, it is likely that one can be blended without being fully aware of it. The blending process can be so gradual and subtle that it might go unnoticed. The signs are often passed off as feelings of disorientation or being 'out of sorts', making it difficult to pinpoint the exact nature of these experiences.

While my experiences suggest that blending can indeed occur unconsciously, the complex nature of DID means that each individual's experience can vary greatly. It is crucial to approach the subject with an open mind and a willingness to explore the intricate layers of one's subconscious.

Conclusion

Exploring the concept of unconscious blending in DID is a deeply personal and sometimes unsettling journey. It requires vigilance and introspection to uncover the underlying dynamics of your experience. As someone who has navigated the complexities of DID, I hope this insight provides a thoughtful perspective on the subtle signs and deep-seated experiences that accompany the process of blending.